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[06 Mar 2008|09:09pm] |
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Am I happy? Is anyone ever really happy? I don't know. I haven't been happy for a long, long time. I don't have time to be happy. I work long hours. I am emotionally exhausted when I get home. I don't have time to give. No man I ever am with will be good enough for my family. I've been persecuted by my own family. Look mom, I'm growing up. I know you want me to need you-but didn't you raise me to become self sufficient? I'm sorry I don't need you as much as you think I need to need you. Grad school is sucking the living daylights out of me.Unless you are a teacher, you cannot comprehend what tired is. I became a teacher to right my mother's mistakes. And she's still not happy with this choice. Mom asks why on vacation did you sound so happy. Why mom? Because I wasn't thinking about bills, or houses, or puppies, or homework. All things that had to be accomplished before or after vacation. These necessary evils are a part of life now, whether I want to accept it or not. It's not just me. So many other young teachers are struggling in their relationships too. Does anyone believe me? No. Am I depressed? Yes. I've never been good enough for anyone or anything. People say they want the old me back. There is no old me. At my age, I need to work, and pay the bills, and take care of the "necessary evils." There's no choice here. No matter where I lived or who I was with. Life just isn't simple anymore. I miss my grandfather. But even he spited me at times. From my family I learned hatred, dishonesty, and discrimination. Ask them and they will deny it. I make so many choices every day, but I'm still petrified of change. Do I want to run away and escape this life? It would be nice. I've thought about never talking to my mother again, and she has done the same to me. I cannot sit on the phone for an hour and listen to what appears to be a prerecording of every single mistake in my life. Add that x two per month. And maybe after a really stressful day too. Do you know what that does to a person? They just want to win. But what is left for them if nothing is left of me? After I comply to their demands, but they are still not happy. I do want to be held, and cuddled. I do want to feel loved. It's not fair that they are inside my head. It's not fair that they try to manipulate my thoughts and feelings to allign with their personal beliefs. Is it too much to ask that a pillow case be put on a pillow? What is romance these days anyways? Jealousy. Bitter jealousy. As I sit here, silently crying writing this, I wonder what will become of me. I wonder why I was brought into this world. Was is to be a puppet for my mother's strings? To learn insane behavior from my father? I wonder if they are the ones that are crazy not I. But alas, I try to reverse the situation. I'm in a very difficult place right now. I just want to be at peace with myself.
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Love Notes….
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